I know I have people reading this blog. I know my friends read this blog, but I've yet to let them know that I long to rant and fuck about my woes. I am really sorry for the use of profanities at the moment but I have come to the point where I just feel disappointed with the way I live, the life I live in and there can no better adjective to describe my situation other than Flustered.
I thought I would have been able to enjoy the way I am living now. I thought I would have at least been able to do something for myself but why do I find a huge void (maybe two) in my life?
The hardest part about painting a picture is always the start.
But with broad strokes, perhaps I could identify two aspects of my life where I feel as if I am so social pariah. Ashamed of my predicament; cursed by the repetition; and helpless as a fool.
I have a family. A father, a mother, a sister and a brother. We live in a flat and we are never short of food. On first glance, we would look complete, we would look like the ideal family.
But I am deeply saddened by the fact that I don't even have a father I can trust, I don't even have a mother who can never be gracious and kind to society, I don't have a brother who strives for ambition, though I say that I can only thank my sister for giving me crucial words of advice along several critical points of my life; including those when I contemplated suicide at the age of 13.
I thought I had it made for myself. I completed my tertiary education, I got my professional qualifications, I made my connections, I created my friendships, I learned my way around, I nailed a job I enjoy, I train in the sports that I love, I thought I could do something for myself but no. I am a sod that has nowhere to go and nobody to turn to know because of stupid events that take place.
I confide in myself. I tell myself that one day, I want to live by myself where I am free to dictate what I can keep and what I can store. How I can decorate my interior and how I can furnish it. But because of the way things are now, I can never come to enjoy and live even a normal life anymore.
Did you know that my house is in such a mess that I can't even have guests over now? Not because it's unliveable but because of all the shit that's lying around that even embarrasses me to think of how my friends would react.
I can't believe I couldn't even end dinner on a good note today because of my mom.
So everyone arounds me says I should love and cherish my parents while they're still alive but why does it have to be this way? To everyone who reads this entry, I can't even have a happy relationship with my mom or dad where I can hug them and tell them I love you, simply because they're not like that.
I couldn't even end dinner on a good note simply because my mom acted all fucked up and rude to the service staff who attended to us. I walked out of the restaurant seeing three black faces and as much as I tried to say sorry on my mother's behalf, it didn't seem to work.
I didn't even know what to say. You know how you've encountered people who seem uneducated and talk to you as if you owe the world to them? Yea, that was my mom for you.
As friends, would you still be with me even if I needed to cry? I may be a tough guy, but doesn't every man need a break once in a while too?
I do not know how to explain what it is like living everyday with fear of rejection and of loneliness. It is just so painful. And try as I may, my heart cries out for the person I can say, "I want to be with you" day after day. Yet it's so difficult simply because as humans, we are unable to determine or forsee the outcome.
Sometimes I feel as if the very reason as to why I can't ever have a girlfriend is because of my family...the stigma that is associated with such a predicament. Yet no one understands how desperately I try to break free from it all. To show that I want to provide for others and bring happiness instead of angst or disgust.
One would never accept the fact that I have such a mom, that I have a dodgy father and that I am not even given a second chance so much of the time simply because there is a fear for the potential for a relationship breakdown because of their behaviour.
HELP ME, I cry..I've just never hit such a stage in my life where I feel so ashamed of myself, of who I am, the family I live with. I just want to turn things around and start afresh by myself, to give myself a chance in the hopes that for once, I can truly know what it is like to have loved ones. But if you do know it's you, please talk with me...I don't want to be alone anymore.
I want to love again.
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Sunday, August 20, 2006
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